I woke up this morning, grabbed my grey leggings, that I would probably wear with a black cami, grey boots, grey blazer, silver & black earrings and drive through the grey rainy day in my black jeep to the grey cemetery where I would leave flowers and sing to my Dad on his birthday. I paused, memories of my Dad flooded my mind and instead of grey, I wore coral.

When I lived at home after college and was working across the street he would often slip notes under my door in the morning. They would say something like, "Good Morning. French toast & orange juice ready in 10 minutes" and even though I would probably have to skip my shower and would probably be late for work I would throw something on and scurry downstairs because he made breakfast better than anyone. I would sit and eat with him, run upstairs, get ready for work and on my way out the door I would give him a hug and he would say, "Make the boss smile today". I would of course shake my head and give him a look that said I thought he was a little nuts. He meant that I should bring joy to others and I remembered this morning. So far I have made four people laugh today and the first co-worker I saw told me I looked like Spring. I wore coral.

During the short time I had with him, he would frequently call me and my mom and tell us to hurry up and look outside because there was a beautiful sunset. And I would look. I would stop whatever I was doing and go outside with him if I was home or join him on a quick drive down to the park by the river or go to my office window or run outside and I would look up at the sky in that moment and soak in how beautiful it was, how beautiful life was. I remember him every time I look up and see those shades of red, orange, coral and pink so I wore coral.

He was the type of father that every little girl needs. He instilled confidence in me and made me feel special. He always made it a point to tell me I looked pretty, to tell me my middle name was Joy because I was his joy, to tell me he was proud of me and that I was important. His favorite colors on me were bright colors especially orange and yellow and red. I remember when I wore a red sweater and a yellow, orange & red skirt to a dinner dance at college because I had made the Deans list. He loved that outfit, he loved that I was on the Deans list and I never had any doubt that he loved me so today, on his birthday I wore coral.

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my father's come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends"

I know he is ready to go but I am not ready to say good-bye. I am so incredibly sad to know he is slipping away. 

I have been saying since I started my job at the women's shelter over a year ago that I was going to go through my clothes to bring in what I am not using for our women. As we attempt to get them ready to move forward, to get their own housing, to find jobs, they need career clothing and often can not afford it. I have closets and dressers full of practically new clothes in such a wide range of sizes that I could never use them again. I have been putting off going through them and not really knowing why. So this morning, I went through a dresser. I went through item after item, admiring them but quickly putting them in the bag. Several items made me stop in my tracks.

The green floral print silk skirt. I bought it for a banquet when I worked for Astor with a matching sweater with a sequin applique. I wore it once. On my way to the banquet I got a call that my father had his first heart attack. He recovered that time after several days of being in a coma. I couldn't wear it again. It suffocated me with that feeling of dread, knowing it wouldn't be the last time I felt that feeling with him.

I pull out a gold shell with lace trim and a brown & gold lace skirt. I wore it to a friend's wedding when I didn't stop dancing the whole night and remember shouting to Mambo No. 5, "a little bit o' Jessica, here I am!" I was in my late teens, early twenties and I felt on top of the world.

Next comes a pink t-shirt with the phrase, "Barefoot in Paradise". I have pictures of myself in that shirt from my honeymoom, smiling from ear to ear, enjoying being in love and being in the Bahamas, holding onto my new husband every chance I got.

I come across a stack of sundresses. Black with White embroidered sunflowers- this was my favorite dress for a long time. I wore it to my college graduation with my parents there feeling so proud but yet so sad to be leaving the school where I felt I had found myself. I also wore it to a friend's mother's 2nd wedding. I danced with my friends, I dance with Jason who was my new boyfriend at the time. I have a photo from the wedding of us holding each other with that new love bliss all over our faces. The next one is strapless, grey with navy flowers. I wore it to my bridal shower. I felt so safe and happy surrounded by my friends and family helping me start my new life. I opened gift after gift, feeling so blessed. I still have so many of those things and they still remind me of the wonderful people that gave them to me. The next dress is black with white polka dots and a red sash. I wore it at my wedding rehearsal, so nervous and anxious but so happy and peaceful at the same time. Our family and wedding party were at our sides and we had a wonderful dinner after the rehearsal. Everything was perfect and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I fold this stack of dresses back up and put them back in the drawer.

The dresser is now empty except for the dresses which I plan to hang in the closet now. I look down at my grey sweat shorts, white tank, pink t-shirt , athletic socks and tennis shoes and I shake my head. I have gotten so casual but I smile. I am proud of myself for making this step towards clearing something out in preparation for that room being used as a nursery hopefully someday soon. I am letting go of old memories to welcome in new ones.